I was listening to an episode of this Moody radio show called Up for Debate last week, “Should [Christian] Singles Look for a Spouse or Wait on God?” The very title – not to mention the lively conversation emanating from it – sparked so many thoughts in my head, inspiring this entry. My answer to that question? It’s the wrong question – I think the answer’s both. Get comfortable –this will take a while.
First, a little on Up for Debate. It’s a discussion of hot topics in Christianity or culture, such as the death penalty or how Christian parents should educate their children. There is a moderator and usually two guests who each advocate opposing positions. Listeners on both sides of the issue also weigh in throughout.
The guests for the “Should Singles Look for a Spouse or Wait on God” episode were Gary Thomas, I believe most known for his best-selling book Sacred Marriage, but also author of Sacred Search, on finding a spouse, and Eric Ludy, prolific author on relationships and authentic manhood, including a best-selling book on relationships co-authored with his wife, Leslie, When God Writes Your Love Story.
Thomas’ position is that singles who want to be married should be actively pursuing a spouse through dating. He points to the fact that there are a number of active verbs in the Bible, and that God has made men and women rulers, with the ability and freedom to make choices – among them picking a spouse. He stresses that there is no “One” right person, and the thinking that there is one right person is derived from Greek philosophy – i.e., Plato – and not from the Bible, and the idea leads many people astray (which, by the way, neither guest on the program advocated). He says that as long as two people are believers and meet biblical standards, people can marry whomever they want; there is no need to be hung up on whom to pick – pick whomever is reasonable to you based on your biblical standards. Moreover, he tends to believe that there are many available people out there to meet, and a single person seeking marriage should be out there meeting people and choosing from the array of singles.
By contrast, Eric (and Leslie) advocate for less dating and instead that singles should build their lives around pursuing Christ and His priorities and, as they pursue Christ, He will reveal His purposes in every area, including by providing a potential mate(s) who shares their passion for Christ, and God will continue to direct in the process, ultimately leading to choosing a marriage partner. Before (and, of course, after) then, they advocate for singles approaching all interaction with the opposite sex (e.g., friendships, potential relationships) with absolute purity and truly saving themselves for their spouses by not giving away mind, body and heart in the dating process. They also tend to believe that the number of people truly following Christ is smaller, rather than larger, and dating many people is not an effort that will necessarily be successful from a kingdom perspective, even if, perhaps, marriage does result from such efforts.
I will admit, up front, that I am on Team Ludy. However, I do also agree with Thomas on a number of points – as did Eric on the broadcast, although I disagree with Thomas’ stated approach. Being familiar with the Ludys’ advice on relationships and singleness (I’ve read When God Writes Your Love Story, and other books and articles by Leslie, along with listening to their podcasts too), I felt that their position was somewhat mischaracterized in the show’s packaging (ratings probably had something to do with it). It was, on some level, presented as merely “waiting around” and expecting God to magically drop down a spouse from heaven. However, as Eric’s actual comments during the broadcast indicated – and as I hope my comments will – I don’t think that’s what it means to wait on God. In this entry I want to challenge some of Thomas’ points and establish a broader case for singles dating less and pursuing Christ more. I also will say that I am speaking for myself — I don’t know that the Ludys would agree with me on every point – but I do tend to side with their approach.
A limitation of my critique on Thomas’ comments is that I am unsure if I have a completely accurate picture of all his positions on this topic, but I’m generally familiar with them. Although I have not read all of Sacred Search, I have read excerpts, along with articles about it. I also have listened to a few podcasts of Thomas promoting the book that have given me additional color on his positions.
Before I go any further, I want to note that I’m not really going to address the issue of how men should pursue women in a godly manner. Rather, I’m focusing on aspects of the show’s topic that cut across gender lines (although applying the principles I’ll speak of will, on some level, look different for men and women). The Up for Debate broadcast mentions the differing roles of men and women in the dating process some, and I’ve blogged about it a few times over the years, most notably here, but also here.
Is There a “One”?
I’ll start by addressing Thomas’ comments on “the One.” If “the one” means that there is only one person on the planet who is right for you – that you can’t have a successful, God-honoring relationship or marriage with anyone else – I agree with Thomas (and Eric) that there is no such thing as “the One” from that perspective (other than Jesus Christ, who really can be all you need). I believe that there are a number – if not many – people on the planet with whom one person could be compatible and, theoretically, marry.
However, practically speaking, I do not think that God puts all of those potential people from across the globe in front of you as a potential mate – I think He places certain people around you and helps you narrow those options (assuming that there would always be more than one option at a time – which I think also is not always the case – but I’ll say it is for the sake of this argument) – and you only marry one. Your “one” then, would be the person you say yes to in marriage. Down the road, you also may end up married to someone else (i.e., death of a spouse or biblical, but limited, grounds for divorce – although that is a complicated issue that would require another full entry to adequately address; I’m not doing that here!). From that perspective, I think the “the one” as I (and not Thomas) define it is not a concept that should govern how you choose a spouse, but I think it should be a recognition once you are married – that God has joined the two of you together until one of you dies, and both parties’ intention – and actions – are to consistently show a commitment to covenantal love for the rest of your lives together.
On The Dating Scene
Regarding the idea that finding a spouse is, in large part, just a matter of dating around, I think Thomas is somewhat equivocating. On the one hand, he says that Christians should date based on biblical standards, yet he seems to assume that, having those standards, there will necessarily still be an infinite – or at least substantial – number of people available to date at any given time. There could be, but it also is possible – probable, even –that there may not be. As I’ve said before, I believe dating based on biblical standards tends to lead to less dating – not more. On a basic level, I also think it promotes a different approach to dating, encouraging getting to know a person on some level before pursuing a romantic relationship. In other words, it would discourage going out on a date with someone before finding out if he or she is a believer and instead finding this out before you even date – and then evaluating from there.
Then there’s the issue of how you evaluate someone as a potential mate. When it comes to people who claim to be Christians, as I’ve also said, the devil – or should I say dilemma – is in the details. While I doubt I would seriously disagree with Thomas on what biblical standards are, I think in practice, professing Christians can define biblical standards very differently (this doesn’t meant that there aren’t some objective standards biblically – I think there are – but my point is that they get bent in dating all the time). Some Christians take 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a very basic level to reason that the only biblical concern is whether a person professes Christ. From that perspective, the evaluation of someone spiritually can be as simple as would the person publicly claim Christ or maybe do basic “Christian” things, such as attend church or maybe even serve in church – and then beyond that focus on positive non-spiritual factors, such is the person “good” (although I’d say that is spiritual), do we get along, are our personalities complementary, etc.
However, I think if you are concerned with more details spiritually (in addition to other factors), whether someone is a true disciple of Christ and a good fit spiritually takes a more careful evaluation of a person’s actions, attitude and lifestyle. This would include delving into more substantive spiritual issues, such as whether you align doctrinally (because what you believe about God affects how you live for Him), spiritual maturity and whether you agree about roles in the home. I believe that if more substantive spiritual factors are part of assessing a potential mate, options are narrowed significantly. By contrast, the more that a Christian diminishes the spiritual dimension in dating, the easier it is to broaden the pool of potential mates. In short, if Thomas does, in fact, advocate for a solid biblical evaluation in a potential mate – and I have every reason to believe that he would – I don’t think that list would necessarily result in the kind of dating availability that he seems to portray.
Also, if it’s all up to single people to go out and find a godly spouse, success is entirely dependent on dating efforts. If I am responsible for making marriage happen, then if I am not in a relationship I would probably have to focus on meeting as many people as possible – and serial dating would be highly encouraged: I would need to make dating a focal point of my life, and likely to the exclusion of other endeavors, as there are only so many hours in a day, week, month and year. I think this is why some singles spend so much time- in my view, wasted time – dating people who often do not meet – or stretch – biblical standards just so that they can at least, in their minds, make sure they are covering all potential bases. However, I believe that in dating there is such a thing as spinning wheels – or digging a ditch – particularly when you are not finding people who meet godly standards and you’re attracted to in other ways but continue dating out of a perceived duty to make things happen. I also think dating in these circumstances can either promote despair when the dates do not lead to God-honoring relationships, or compromise.
Further, I don’t think that this “it’s all up to me to find a spouse” position explains how scripture portrays God’s role in our planning. The Bible says that God not only has purposes that may override even our careful plans, but also that we are to always submit our plans – i.e., even the things we think are up to us – to Him. Proverbs 16: 9 says, “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps” (NLT). Further, Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (NIV). When we submit our plans to God, we leave room for Him to direct in the way He sees fit – and although His purposes will prevail regardless of our decisions, we save ourselves the drama in between when we allow Him to do things His way rather than attempting for them to be done our way. This perspective makes me reject the idea that the key to having a relationship leading to a God-honoring marriage is solely about meeting people (although I’m not against meeting people). I see God more at work in the process.
What is “Active Faith”?
I also think we have to ask ourselves whether our ultimate life goal is marriage or following Christ. If it’s following Christ as it should be, I reject the notion that building your life around God’s priorities and seeing how He leads in relationships is not active faith. Rather, I think it is being active, and is a principle that should apply with every aspect of life – we may have personal preferences, but we do what aligns with what God wants for us. As we are seeking God’s will for our lives in all that we do, He directs us. On the broadcast, Eric noted Matthew 6:33 to make the point that God provides as we seek Him first– that means food and shelter, but, principally, also a spouse.
Thomas also noted Matthew 6:33 as one of his motivations for encouraging singles to date from the “pool of availability,” although it seemed to be more in the context that God sees marriage as a good desire, therefore seeking it through dating is good – although I disagree with that interpretation because I think the direction from that verse is more specific and practical for a person’s situation, not just about God’s general desire for something (although God has revealed aspects of His will to us — for example, we know that believers are Christ’s ambassadors; we don’t have to pray about whether that’s our mission!). But just because God sees marriage as a good thing does not necessarily mean that He desires it for you at that moment – He could desire something else for you at that time. Could it be that we can get so bent up on finding a spouse our way when instead He’s calling us to rest in Him and trust Him to provide in His timing? When we’re not seeking what God wants for us specifically at that time, we can waste valuable time wishing we’re someone else and miss out on maximizing all that God may have for us in a particular season.
A common objection to this approach to dating is that it may cause you to “never to move” (although I would object that seeking God in your daily activities is movement) because you are waiting for God to tell you something that He “may never tell you.” I would say that if God never tells you anything, by definition you are really not seeking Him. Romans 8:14 says, “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.” The mark of a believer is that He guides you. And He speaks in many different ways (among them His Word, as I often blog on; I won’t get into detail on specific ways here). However, a myth – and one that I think drives the objection to waiting on God’s direction in this area (while actively seeking God in life generally) – is that direction from God is always some loud, very clear sign, something like a voice from heaven when John the Baptist baptized Jesus or the familiar Gideon “fleece” sign. But often – and I would say most often – God directs step by step – not giving us the whole picture, but just enough to guide us in that moment. Eric also references the story of Elijah, an example of God’s voice being still and small, and from it Elijah knew when to be praying and when to move.
God often calls on us to take a step even if we don’t know all the details. Then, as we’re faithful in the small things, we look back and see God’s hand when (and if) God reveals His purposes in a particular area on this earth. Thus, I would say that we can miss out on a great relationship leading to marriage because we’re not so much looking for God’s direction, but for a sign that someone is “the one” before we really put any time into getting to know someone who God may be nudging us to forge a relationship although He may reveal no more specifics in that moment. Can God tell a single person in advance that someone is their spouse before really getting to know that person? If He wants to. But does He have to – and does He always? I would say no – and probably often no. By having a posture of seeking God’s will for your life in everything, you position yourself to recognize His voice, including in dating.
The more I seek God daily, the more I also find that I’m less hesitant to make decisions where God chooses not to be crystal clear in a situation, because I can trust that as I am daily abiding in Him – for example, through time in prayer and His Word, I am continuously learning to think more like Him, so I stress over my choices less because I know they are rooted in Him. Thus, sometimes faith requires being still, and other times it requires making more literal moves – and I would say that both can be activity from a biblical perspective.
I also want to distinguish prayerful deliberation in decision making regarding a potential spouse from hesitation based on fear. I think at times fear over moving forward in a relationship can be erroneously couched as faith. Whenever we find ourselves operating in fear, we have to remember the advice Paul gave Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:7:
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (ESV)
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. (NIV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (NKJV)
The way to overcome fear is to replace it with faith. When I get that anxious feeling that I know to be fear, I like to recite 2 Tim 1:7 as a reminder, but also will consciously choose to replace my fearful actions with actions that align with the spirit of power, love and a sound mind that I already have through Christ! The more that we replace fear with faith, including in the dating context, the more we can make God-honoring dating decisions going forward.
Can I Make A Wrong Choice?
At the same time, I disagree with the idea that, as a Christian, I can’t make a wrong choice about a potential spouse even going by seemingly godly dating standards. We can all point to examples – and probably even relationship examples – where we thought something – or someone – was a right choice, but turned out to be wrong. Although as a believer I am a new creation in Christ, I am still reminded daily of my fallen, sin nature. Jeremiah 17:9 says that our hearts are desperately wicked and deceitful. Proverbs 16: 25 say that there’s a way that may seem right to us, but in the end leads to destruction. Because of this nature, even as Christians we can struggle with doing the fleshly things that we don’t want to do when we choose not to walk in the Spirit. This also relates to David’s prayer for direction in Psalm 139: 23-24, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” In this prayer he recognized that at times he may be wrong and not even know except by asking God to show him his errors – as we all should.
Now, I don’t think Thomas (or others who tend toward his position) is saying don’t deliberate – or seek God – over picking a spouse, but I do think he’s taking for granted that whatever choice a Christian makes about marriage based on their list of godly standards would be right, and he underemphasizes God’s role in the matter. I do, again, advocate for having a godly vision for dating, which I think Thomas would agree with- and I do believe this eliminates a lot of relationship drama at the outset. But I also see serious prayer as essential for discerning whom to marry. In addition to giving us clarity in making decisions in what we can see, it also protects us from what we cannot see: as humans, we can’t fully know our own hearts, let alone someone else’s – nor can we know every detail about someone else or predict what will happen in the future.
Committing our ways to God – asking Him to guide and protect us – puts us in a position to make the wisest choices in dating and other decisions by allowing God to show us potential areas we may be overlooking. While we can’t be protected from every challenge or heartbreak in marriage by asking God for direction – God, in fact, can purpose some challenges – by asking for God’s guidance we can avoid the consequences of wrong decisions that can come when we only focus on what we can see. But even when we make mistakes, God promises to work out all things for our good if we love Him. However, we save ourselves from some challenges by asking God to guide us and then following His lead!
Is Discontentment with Singleness Okay?
This was another question posed that I think Thomas got wrong. His response essentially was yes, citing passages such as 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 about marrying rather than falling into lust. Eric’s response, by contrast, is that discontentment with singleness is not something to be fostered. He notes that there is “holy discontentment,” but that’s about desiring more of Jesus. He also brings up that singleness (when there is a desire to be married) is a form of a trial, but our goal in trials should be becoming more like Christ and aligning ourselves with His will.
At another point in the broadcast Julie (the moderator) asks if it’s wise to address with her 12-year-old daughter who often discusses her desire to be married the possibility of marriage not happening for her, as we can’t predict the future. Thomas’ response is that she is 12, so there is no need to “set up her desires against God”; marriage is a good thing, and there is every reason to believe that God can grant her marriage. In contrast, Eric said that, while marriage is a good thing, it would be right to bring that up with her as an opportunity to let God touch the things most precious to us, laying down even our deepest desires at His feet and letting Him do what He wills with them.
Again, I side with Eric. First, I don’t think the passages that Thomas mentions are prescriptions for dealing with discontentment as a single or navigating dating. For single people who want to be married, the problem often is a lack of known prospects at the time – if marriage were an immediate option (and, specifically, a God-honoring marriage), then there would be no discontentment dilemma. The question then becomes, how should that situation be navigated? I think Eric’s advice is on point, as is the Apostle Paul’s elsewhere. In 1 Timothy 6:6, he states that godliness with contentment is great gain. I think too often, statements like the one Thomas makes are excuses not to be content with where God may purpose us to be and cause us to miss out on what God may want for us in a particular season. Also, being married is not the antidote for all discontentment – you can be discontent with aspects of life even while married. If you have a habit of choosing to wallow in it, you’ll go through your whole life with that posture – which will make you miserable!
As Eric also addressed, wading in discontentment also causes us to miss an important aspect of being a disciple of Christ: surrendering our lives to have Him do with them what He desires. God is a good God, but sometimes, the true cost of discipleship is that we don’t get what we want – but it also means that He has something better, even if, at the time, it may not appear that way to us in our limited knowledge. It’s also about not putting our hope in marriage – and turning it into an idol – but, rather, finding our true fulfillment in Christ. Further, it’s recognizing that our God’s grace is sufficient to empower us even in our weakness so that we can trade our discontentment for His perfect strength.
My experience in singleness has given me another reason to side with trading discontentment for God’s sufficient grace. I could relate to Julie’s story about her daughter. I was one of the many young girls who is “nurturing” and pretty much have always wanted to be married with children (although that wasn’t my only goal for adulthood). At 19 I remember attending a Christian conference where one of the speakers encouraged the ladies in the audience not to give up hope about marriage – after all, she had married at 29. As a 19-year-old, I remember thinking, “Wow, 29, who would wait that long?!??!?” In my mind, that was a worst-case scenario – horrific even, lol.
But then, when I turned 29 three years ago and was single, I remembered that statement, and thought about how far God had brought me – that His grace truly was sufficient for even my worst-case scenario that, in actuality, wasn’t the death sentence that I had thought it a decade earlier. Not only that, I have learned a million times since then that God really does think so much more of my life than I ever have. I’ve also learned that whether you have life or death in singleness (and, in any case, I’d say) is a matter of your perspective and how you allow God to shape you. I may not be married, but I am living a full, abundant life through Christ. Not only that, but I am using what God has taught me in singleness to encourage others. By learning to embrace where God has me (key word – learning; it’s about the choices you make each day), I’ve tasted God’s faithfulness and His closeness and have come – and am coming – to know Him better. And I know I am going in the direction that He wants me.
Also, I abhor the idea that accepting the possibility of singleness necessarily causes anyone – including a child – to no longer desire marriage. Truth be told, it’s not hard to desire something we already want, but it is hard to desire things that we don’t want but God may want for us. I believe humans generally have an innate, God-given desire for relationships – romantic and unromantic – and we women in particular often (but not always) desire marriage early on. Recognizing that God’s grace is sufficient in my singleness has never made me desire marriage less – I have no “dashed hopes” by acknowledging that – but it has made me more dependent on God, caused me to grow in Him, and even made me more hopeful about marriage as I put my trust in Him rather than people to meet my needs. It’s also given me better motives in my approach to relationships.
Sometimes we can hang on to what we want at the expense of the greater, more heavenly desires and joy that God wants to give us. And that lesson is not just true with singleness – it’s true with anything else in life that God may want to teach us! So, if I have a daughter, I will totally tell her to consider the possibility of God purposing singleness – because, either way, she would be single for some period of her life – but also tell her to trust God and see what He does – He is faithful, has great plans to give us a hope and a future and, further, knows what’s best for us.
Conclusion
Summing it up, how do I think singles find a godly spouse? By living for Jesus, which involves taking meaningful, obedient steps in faith (and sometimes those steps will have nothing to do with a relationship, but, at some point, they will) and asking God for wisdom. I like how someone interviewed at the beginning of the broadcast responded to the question of whether singles should look for a spouse or wait on God: “I think singles should continue to run after Jesus and see who’s running with them as they go.” I’ll also give my own summation of the points I’ve addressed throughout this entry, Message paraphrase style (he-he):
Don’t put your life on hold because you’re single. Seek God’s will for your life, including for marriage, but make sure you’re living contently; it will do you a world of good. Meet people as you go. Get to know them, and see what happens; keep your eyes open for potential mates, but don’t be desperate or obsessive. Trust that God will provide – just like He has in other areas. Don’t be afraid to make a move –as you walk with Jesus, He’ll guide you in making decisions. If you find a love that aligns with His purposes, character and ways, as you do your part, and they do their part, He’ll make it happen. The alternative: doing it your way, and the regrets that come with it. You’re not alive to be married, you’re here to pursue Jesus. And whatever the cost of doing that, it’s always the best choice. If marriage fits in that scheme, it will be worth the wait.
Click here to check out the podcast, “Should Singles Look for a Spouse or Wait on God?” Also feel free to let me know your thoughts!
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