…Don’t PLAY hard to get, BE hard to get.
That’s a recent tweet that showed up in my feed. I’ve heard similar quotes, but this one particularly resonated with me and got my thoughts going, inspiring this blog entry. I completely agree and think it has implications for godly dating, particularly how we women who are followers of Christ relate to men.
Playing Hard to Get
I see “Playing hard to get” as a trite phrase that I think can mean different things to different people, including male and female. I’m much less interested in addressing its meaning than I am in defining “being had to get.” However, I believe that, from a biblical perspective, the purpose of dating is marriage. Ladies, we shouldn’t date just to have a good time or fill a desire for male companionship or attention.
In 1 Timothy 5, Paul instructs Timothy about relating to various people in the church, including the opposite sex. In verse 2 he says, treat “older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” This also applies to the way we should treat men, particularly brothers in Christ. We should be pure in our motives and actions.
One of my mottos is “I don’t play with a man’s emotions.” If I know I’m not interested in a guy who is pursuing me, I let him know as clearly as is necessary in the situation. Some think that’s being mean, but I believe it’s more loving to be frank with a guy and let him be free to pursue another woman who will want to date him than to be unclear for the sake of avoiding confrontation. We often use phrases such as “I feel bad” as reasons for not being direct, but often feeling bad about telling the truth is more about us than the other person – we’re more concerned with how someone will perceive us than whether we are honest with someone. Otherwise, we’d feel even worse about being deceptive or misleading.
On Being Hard to Get
As I thought about how I’d define a woman who is hard to get from a biblical perspective, a quote from a Lecrae song came to mind as a short definition: A woman who “finds [her] worth in Christ and pursues [His] Truth.”
Being hard to get is not about putting on a show to seem “unattainable,” but about developing character in Christ over time so that you are set apart just by being yourself. The oft-quoted Proverbs 31 provides a picture of this kind of woman. I’ll pull just verse 10, which begins the “Proverbs 31 Woman” Epilogue: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (NIV). The ESV and NKJV substitute “excellent” for noble character, and the NLT says “virtuous and capable.” Rubies also are precious metals, which are not cheaply obtained. In other words, this verse reinforces that a woman who is hard to get is a treasure (See biblical virtues that define a woman hard to get, such as in Proverbs 31:10-31; Galatians 5: 22-23). For that reason, I believe that it’s supposed to be work – hard work – for a man to get her.
I want to speak some about how a woman who is hard to get approaches dating. Song of Songs 8 gives us a good starting point. Assuming the interpretation that Song of Songs tells the love story of King Solomon and most likely the Shulamite woman, the last chapter is a flashback to her childhood growing up with her brothers, before she met Solomon. In verse 8, they ask what protection they should offer before she gets married, or is “spoken for” (v.8). They answer with verse 9:
If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her.
If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar.
She answers that she is a wall (v. 10). Webster defines a wall as “a high thick masonry structure forming a long rampart or an enclosure chiefly for defense” and “a structure…that surrounds an area or separates one area from another.” Dictionary.com adds that walls are “used for shelter, protection, or privacy…to fence in an area…”
In other words, a “wall” of a woman creates her own defenses in dealing with men. She guards her heart and is not open to ignoble advances, in contrast to a door, who is wide open to them. The Bible Knowledge Commentary describes the woman who is a wall as “display[ing] good character and judgment and resisting temptation.” Jack S. Deere, “Song of Songs,” The Bible Knowledge Commentary, Old Testament, eds. John F. Walvoord and Roy B. Zuck (Wheaton, IL: Victor, 1983), 1024.
Verse 9 also says that, for the wall, “towers of silver” are to adorn or grace her, not to be around her as with a door, who is to be enclosed with panels of cedar to protect her against heartbreak. The Commentary also provides that the description of building towers of silver on the wall points to giving her more freedom and rewarding her for her character and choices. Ibid. at 1025.
A wall also is the kind of woman who is intentionally saving herself for her husband. In verse 10, it says that as a grown woman, the Shulamite, who previously guarded herself from advances, is now able to bring her husband, Solomon, contentment. If a single woman is approaching dating with her husband in mind even before she meets him, then she is going to be very cautious about who she lets in. It will require a man interested to make serious, deliberated effort to unlock her guarded heart. She’ll be hard to get!
Ladies, here are a few specific principles that I think are useful for being hard to get:
Be more concerned with pursuing God’s purposes in every aspect of your life than with just meeting men.
When it comes to developing the characteristics of a wall (who is hard to get), a high level of diligence is required that is possible only through Christ. Second Peter 1: 3 says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” Verses 5-8 say that, as a result of His enabling power, you are to:
…make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
In order to grow, we have to continue cultivating the virtues described in the passage, pursuing one, leading to the next. As we seek them out, we see results, and a promise is provided: continued fruit, or evidence of our growth (v. 8).
In addition to our calling to always be pursuing spiritual growth, God has a specific life mission for each believer. Ephesians 2:10 says, ”For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
There’s a perception out there that meeting more people is the solution to finding a mate, as this “increases the pool of potential mates.” While I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to try to meet men, I think we can be so obsessive about meeting them that this becomes our singular aim rather than doing what God has already called us to do. And that calling is not limited to a specific season in our lives, namely after we find a man, so we can’t let a desire to be married cause us to quit our calling. Instead, dating should be directly in line with that journey.
In other words, I don’t think desiring a spouse and God providing one is at all divorced from pursing Him. As you pursue Him in every aspect of Your life, He tunes you to any dating opportunities that He may want you to take. Trust that He will reveal the decisions that you should make in every area, including dating. You won’t have to manufacture an outcome; God, who controls time and space, will accomplish the most desirable result.
I also like an oft-repeated quote: it’s more important to be the right person than meet the right person. Another article put it, “Would you marry you?” As you pursue righteousness, God is cultivating the right traits in you. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” That to me is what is meant by “active” faith – it’s much less about finding the optimal number of dates to land. If God desires for you to be married and you are truly seeking Him, you will be in the right way!
Have a vision (aka a list).
I think there’s been a few good entries in the blogosphere on this topic recently, such as this one, and I also have blogged about it before, so I won’t rehash. I do, however, want to underscore the importance of avoiding relationships with guys who are not both followers of Christ and agree with you theologically on significant matters of the faith (see my “It is not enough to date someone who loves God very much – beliefs matter” point from this post. That also means that you have to know what you really believe, beyond just that you are Christian). This is not to say that being with a Christian who disagrees with you theologically can never work, but it’s not God’s best, and being hard to get is about being – and pursuing – God’s best. A woman who’s hard to get is pursing Christ, and the logical outgrowth of that is that she wants to pursue someone else who is as she is.
Be wary of dating men who know very little about you yet pursue you too aggressively.
The inspiration for this point is not random folks you meet on the street or in other public places, but the ones who spot you in more controlled environments, such as church or a friend’s gathering, and almost immediately declare to you that that they want to date you– or even be in an exclusive relationship. This is despite knowing just a couple things about you – e.g., your appearance, job or an activity that you do. If it’s a guy who I have had some positive, albeit limited, interaction with and am not uninterested (and that’s a best case scenario), I’ll tell him that I don’t know enough about him to know if I would, but would not be opposed to getting to know him as a friend to decide. If this offends him, that’s clearly a problem.
There a couple characteristics about love from 1 Corinthians 13 that stand out to me relating to this situation: that love is patient and it doesn’t seek its own (vv. 4,5). If a guy is averse to getting to know you before dating, most likely he doesn’t like you, he likes the idea of you, and he’s looking for someone to check off certain boxes because he’s in hunting season and is trying to land a woman (for whatever reason) in T minus zero, and you happen to be his prey. Also, if he doesn’t want you to get to know him first, it could be a sign that he has something to hide, such as abusive behavior.
Now of course it’s important to have a man pursue you, and I’ve written about what I believe godly pursuing a woman is – but it’s not blind aggressiveness. A man who really loves you will count it a pleasure to get to know you over time.
Be wary of trying to date a man who doesn’t consistently pursue you.
Here I’m talking about situations where you are interested in a guy, are periodically hanging out one-on-one and are doing things that, at least from your perspective, signal that he may be interested (e.g., you’re both initiating communication through long phone conversations or texts, and you have “date-like” meetings, such as going out to dinner or the movies), yet he has never taken the initiative to define the relationship.
I’ve heard advice given for these situations that you should ask the guy where the “relationship” is going, because it shows your willingness to be vulnerable or so that you do not waste your time if he’s not interested, among other reasons. While I’m not saying that’s necessarily bad advice, I disagree. I believe if you have to ask him that question, you already know the answer – and it’s nowhere!
Also, a guy can’t “waste your time” unless you let him, and he can’t break your heart if you never give it to him. If a guy refuses to ask you out, then assume that he is not worthy of your heart until he does, but don’t wait around for him to do it, either. If you think your interaction has progressed to a point that it should go somewhere but it doesn’t, and your emotions are starting to get wrapped up in that guy, break it off or distance yourself from him. If he values you, he’ll figure himself out and come back to you.
I am of course not a male, but there are two particular (non-exhaustive) explanations for why a guy does not pursue in these situations that I want to note because I hear them discussed often: (a) the guy just doesn’t like you or (2) he may want to but lacks the confidence to do so (which could just be another way of him not liking you enough, although I separate these two because I have spoken to enough couples who actually did end up together after prolonged periods of undefined interaction once the guy finally did man up, and it is always an interesting dialogue). I want to focus for a minute on the confidence reason.
Here’s why I think it’s so critical for a guy to initiate the relationship: because it’s a very tangible indication of how the relationship will go. In particular, if a guy does not ask you out for confidence reasons, then that is an indication that, in the relationship, he will likely value his own comfort more than you. If asking you out is too much – what else will be too much in the relationship: dealing with conflict, which is inevitable? Taking the relationship beyond dating, if that’s what God is calling you to?
Ephesians 5: 25 says that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Let’s revisit how Christ gave himself up for us: despite extreme agony and discomfort. In the Garden of Gethsemane, shortly before His betrayal and arrest, the Gospels tell us that Jesus was in such distress that His sweat poured down like drops of blood– and that He wanted to avoid death if there was some other way for the Father’s plan for salvation to be accomplished. Matthew 26:39 says: “He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”
Jesus subordinated His emotions to the Father’s will and did what He had to do to save humanity! Likewise, a man is meant to follow Christ’s lead in loving his wife in marriage, which means he acts first. Of course a dating relationship is not the same as marriage, but how a guy acts in dating is an indication of how he will be in marriage. This also is not to say that you will not have to give each other grace at different times or that your relationship will always be an even “tit-for-tat” – as is often discussed, biblical marriage in particular is a covenant and not a contract – but whether he asks you out despite being uncomfortable speaks volumes about whether he truly values you and sees you as a potential mate. You want a guy who distinguishes between you and other women, and sees you as a treasure worth pursuing.
At the same time, ladies, this of course does not let us off the hook. You should insist on a man asking you out properly because you also will treat him as God requires of you in the relationship! I have another motto about my standards in dating: I am only asking for what I’m willing to give. I want a man to be uncomfortable for me because, in the relationship, I will be uncomfortable for him. I want him to resolve conflicts, because I will be totally committed to resolving them, too. I want him to be loyal, because I will be, too. As we’ve already said, a woman who is hard to get is the right person, so therefore she also seeks the right person. But none of this can materialize if the guy doesn’t do his initial part.
Don’t make every dating (or quasi-dating) encounter with a guy about you.
Coming from the perspective (and now assumption) that we are only dating believers, don’t ever forget that even the dating situations that do not work out still involve brothers in Christ. When things go south for whatever reason, this can cause us to be upset about not getting what we wanted, and even to vilify the guy. At times we may even feel he deserves the negative treatment, but God calls us to love, especially in the Body of Christ. At times a relationship may not work out because God never wanted it to. Maybe God wanted your interaction to be for some purpose other than a relationship.
Remember that God is working out His own love story in each of His children’s lives that He will finish in heaven, where believers are perfected. This includes yours, but also his, too. I love the words of identity that God speaks in the Old Testament to His chosen people Israel, which extend to believers through Christ. In Jeremiah 31:3, He says, “”I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” My favorite, Jeremiah 29:11, also says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Do you love and celebrate the work of God in someone else’s life, even if it’s a someone you are no longer in a relationship with? There are times when it’s just not in God’s plan to work a relationship out, for reasons that may not be clear to you, but God knows. Trust that He knows what He’s doing, and just love!
Now, love does not necessarily mean that you always remain close to a guy, or even that you are in each other’s lives. Your first responsibility is to guard your heart. But it does mean that you ask that God’s will is accomplished in his life and treat him as God calls you to. You just live your life, being hard to get, and for you, your Heavenly Father will bring your earthly love!
Epilogue
To Brothers in Christ
If you’re a guy reading this entry, you’re an overhearer (lol). But I do hope that when you think about pursuing a woman who is hard to get, you are reminded that it’s challenging – and even feel inadequate, because you are! We all are. It is only through His divine power that we are given all we need for life and godliness.
At the same time, I hope your inadequacy does not lead to defeat, because love is not for quitters. Before Joshua led Israel to fight for the land God had already promised them, He repeated that he needed to be strong and courageous. One of those times God said: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Despite the challenges of love, it – and any adventure God calls you to – is worth it!
To Sisters in Christ
Thesaurus: Hard
Synonyms: Solid. Strong. Tough. Impenetrable. Unyielding.
Antonym: Easy
My prayer is that we would continuously aim to be hard to get: the best we are in Christ, with no apologies, and make the men do the work to get us! There’s an oft-repeated quote from Max Lucado that I’ll add (although I almost cringe at including it, because I think it’s over quoted. Nevertheless, it is apropos): “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” You want a man who chooses not to keep fumbling in his own strength, but instead trades it for God’s in pursuing you. The right guy will figure it out – and, at the end of it all, that’s the only guy you really want.
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